The last day...

I will stand up tall
Try not to cry or fall at all
I learned how to walk my way towards the sun with no rain or cloudy days
You'll be always pain that tries to fade away


But....

Today I'll smile
Today I leave it  all behind
Today the end of the past starts
Today I'll be great...even if there's no one to hear my shouts

Today is the last day and no more
Many lies were splashed on the white walls
Making them, wondering all along
Believing in falling stars that only the great sorcerer can see and touch

You, Knight of shame and lies
Spread your dark wing in some other place
Cause Angels of light will bring you down
And then, even God will turn his back to you.

To you my friend

Because there's somebody that I do care a lot and who has no Sun shining on her street. I just want you to know that I am there for you. I know that is hard, I know that people...they do not understand  and I also know that you do deserve so much better and you can do so much better. So no matter how strong your scream out loud they won't hear you. They are to busy with their life, their job and so on. They say they care but in the end well...if they would then they  would do something to make it better.

But you know what?

You will still dare to dream and hope,
You won't give up so easy
And you won't back down either
You won't feel lonely
Your tears will stop falling and your sadness will fade away

Because you are not alone
Because things will fall into their place
Because somebody up there cares about you and you know that
Because you are great
You are a beautiful person and this is not the way it will always be!
I will hold your hand no matter how bad your days will be
You hear me?

It won't happen because I won't let that happen. I will be there. I won't turn my back on you and I won't let you down. I will tell you a million times if it's necessary that it will be ok, that you have to have faith and things will get better in the end. Miracles do exist and we are not here to have a sad life. You will find your way! You will be great! You will look back to these years and just simply smile about it.

So keep your head up, put a smile on your face, keep your faith in your heart and remember that miracles do exist and the Sun will shine on your street as well and there always will be somebody there for you to kick your ass and tell you that you are great and it will be ok in the end.


Tones of hugs and kisses for you,

Me


P.S Yes, yes! This is for you to make at least your day better>:D<

Forever

Good times will come so as bad times

I will be lost sometimes so as time was once forgotten

Storms will wash away the good times 

Leavening behind nothing to hold on to

Fall will be the eternal Spring guarded by the Snow Queen of our restless souls

You might get lost on your way

And find no path back to your home again

You might forget everything and even me

Forget what we called love once on a late March day

The Sun will shine no more on your way

And tears will flood your soul in pain

Letting you forget what has waited for us so much all these years

When you will find no way out

When you will be lost 

When you will have nothing to hold on to

When you will feel that the world around you is falling apart

I will be there 

I will be still there holding your hand

Being your everything 

Being the one that holds together your world

Being the one who will always believe in you, because you are magical

I will always understand and will never let go of your hand

I will be the one who will always be there as long as I shell live

Because they all say that perfection does not exist 

But you are perfect to me and you will always be.

Self Ish

I look around and see ...I see so many simple things surrounding us. Day in and day out. Nights...over and over again and again. But why? I wonder, why? ...Then why are we still running all day long,  maybe a lifetime, on and on and maybe not being so lucky to get that one thing that you are running after,  all along the way. 

I love to just stay on a bench and observe people that walk by. It is hilarious how we "become" somebody else during the day and at night when we are just with the silence of the night and we can get our mask off.  And we feel empty and alone ....

 It happened to me to see  and  meet so many people, that were having this, as lots of us like to say "a great life". A great car, the newest phone on the market, a great house and an even greater bank account. Traveling around the world and have everything that you want. Or people that, as we like to call them, "great, cool". Those kind of people that can do anything what so ever not even thinking of what might happen to the one next to them. they just "walk" their way. 

So what happens when you are off without your "mask" and you realize or you see that what you have, what you are is not what the world sees. Hmm because you are to afraid to be seen without your "mask". Because it is easier to crush everything that you touch just to have more, just to be more, bigger in peoples eyes when you go upon that stage and you have your speech. 

Why is that making you even feel great? How can you even sleep or to live with that? I am wondering because I am just to naive to crush somebody's "wings". Why? Why are we selfish? Why can we just be ourselves? Why can we be as we want to be? As we truly are? 

I am wondering about this for years now and maybe I will understand it one day but I am not there. At least not yet. One of my friends said once that there is no such thing as people who think first of others and then of themselves. And my straight answer was "I am".  And she continued to say that well, yes, but at one point we still think of ourselves. And again my answer was "I am". Maybe it sounds stupid and you say " Yeah right, sure, you are the exception". I am not trying to say that. This is not my point here. I'm just saying that I would love to meet more people that are like this, who thinks first of the one that is right there sitting next to him/her on a bus, or just staying in a queue. Not just be like a predator fighting for survival. Because we are not animals. We are humans.And if we can't be like one, that I guess we should get a seat in the first row in some of the jungles that are near by. 

There was  a time when I was just myself and nothing else. More or less. And if I look back at my life I am honestly proud that by night when I get in my bed I don't have to get my mask off because I am the way I am and it is simple as that. If I will want to wear one day a mask it will be most probably in Venice :)

If you want to be loved stop massing up others cause you are lost. Have patience. You will find eventually your way. Fucking up other's lives is not gonna make yours better. Remember, what goes around comes around and karma is a bitch so stop acting ( if you are so into it then go be an actress/ actor will have more benefits that way). 

We all want the same things in life. We all want to be happy, be loved, find the one, find our way, live the story of our lives but how could we? When deep inside we are selfish, even with our sister, parents and so on... This world need people with a great heart and soul to make the world shine, to be better. 

You are my reason

.....so many things happened for the last month's and I fell blessed and the luckiest girl. I have so much to say, to show..but all that I can say is...

See

Here I am staring at you perfection

In my arms, so beautiful

The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out

Somebody slows it down and makes her feel alive,

Makes her feel like she’s the one

Makes her want to live 1000 years and so much more from now

His smile brightens up her cloudy days scaring the demons away

Covering her with love and magic

He is her perfection and they are a blessing.

Your love was skinny

       "I would have given my life just to see that you are ok, that you finally after such battles, you found your way, that you are alive, that you can walk again. I would have scared away all your demons and would have made your dark past fade away. I would have done anything for you, for your happiness....I would have protect you just to see your beauty. 

But what did you understand in the end? What are you after all? 

       If I would have know what would heal your soul and make you sparkle I would have done it to make you better, to see that your heart is in peace, that you finally can let it go and can shine. Your healing was my goal. In you I had my trust and I have never let my guard down because I knew that you are lost, you need support, you need someone to be there for you that case and loves you.

       I was there! Always! No matter what! But you couldn't just stay away and be there too as I was for you. You had to crush me down, you had to put that weight on my soul, tight stones to my legs and cut my wings to make me stay and make my dreams fade away.

       You don't know what you did...You don't know that those weight's will hunt me for a lifetime and so much more. You don't know that wings are not growing back, you don't know that scares are not healing, you don't know that you can't erase memories, you don't know that you can't put a smile on my face anymore, you don't know that you teared my soul apart leaving me naked, vulnerable and alone. You don't know what you did, but I know that I have to stop...It tears me apart and crushes my soul to pieces but I won't and I can't follow you anymore. Not anymore. I'm left out of hope, I lost all my dreams and I have to go on my way. You will never understand and you will never get it.  

       Words are to poor to describe all this. Your skinny love broke me and I can't live like this.  I might not be healed, I might not be able to fly anymore, I might be broken forever, but my love was not "sick", my love was not broken. It was for you and only God knows what is hiding in this broken heart of mine. 

       

       I am sorry for not being good enough. I am sorry that my love was never enough.  I am sorry that I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry that I couldn't erase your darkness, make it go away and make you smile, truly smile. I am sorry that I wasn't enough.

      I am sorry...



 

Regret, no...

      "I am grateful for everything that happened for the last weeks. I am so happy and in peace. If tomorrow will be my last day I would have only one regret...that I didn't have you sooner. That you didn't holed my hand sooner, that you didn't hug me before, that we didn't do all the things that we did sooner....that I didn't walk on the path that was given to me to walk on to be with you and I stray minutes, hours, days on wrong muddy and heavy path's, not being patient to wait what was meant to be. 

       No words or actions could describe what is going inside. Only me and God knows it. Wish every each and one of you would see, feel through my eyes just for 5 minutes and then you all will realize what am I talking about or what I was trying to say all the way, at every conference that I went, every time that I was a trainer, facilitator, your friend or just a person on which shoulder you can cry on, or that stranger that smiled back at you when you stepped with your muddy shoes on her brand new clean shoe, or just spit a glass of bear on my clothes, or when she holed your hand when no one else did and no one else wanted to. Then you....you will know how I see you, how I see the world, what I see in people, what I am hiding inside and just trying to make you see, feel, be. 

       But still I would have one regret ... that I didn't have us before, sooner, that I didn't say I love you when I felt it...but still I.... I will be grateful that we are the way we are, that we have the most precious thing that somebody could ever have: us. We are pure like water and strong like a rock. You know love,...the best part of all this is that we didn't break anyone's heart to be together, that we didn't planed it, that we did no harm to anyone,  that we were exactly the way we are. 

        There were always people asking me if I would have one wish to ask for that will become true what would that be and I had so many wishes that I never could give an answer. But know I have the answer: I would like everyone to feel and see how we do. 

Everything turned around and  you put tears of happiness on my face. We are beauty, we are perfection, we are true and so much more...and these are just our first steps...God knows what we can do more. 

So until now, I just simply want to thank you because you are who you are and the way you are and no matter what you hold my hand. 

                                                                                                                Yours....

Leaving behind

With tears in her eyes, she leaves behind

Gathering together the sweet memories from inside

She walks away, knowing she'll come back one day

She walks away closing a chapter of her life, wondering if she will ever be alright.

She believed, she hoped, she fought and she wrote...

She wrote the story of her life so simple,but so bright

Days will turn to nights and nights to days 

Making her feel like she has no place where else to stay

Torn apart and numb she walks away

Leaving behind her sweet memories from inside.

Let it be

My eyes are full of tears

But my heart it's full of hopes and dreams

You brought the sunlight on my dark streets

Let us be brave and fall in love every day and tell the world our fairytale

Simply just you

You broth me to life and put faith in my heart

Wiped my tears away and took me by the hand

Wishing to walk beside me for an eternity and so much more than that

There are no words to describe what we are becoming

Nothing can compare to this bound of such perfection

Thousands of questions are hunting me down

Making me have the third World War with my subconscious all around

But you…you just make it perfect, you make it right

Like there’s nothing that is better that worth fighting for

I’m not your girl, I’m your soul,

You don’t love me, you adore me

And you, you are not my man,

You are my life that I want to have as much I have left to live.

Love is you

She was there, lying down full of dust and numb

Her wings were broken and her heart was crushed

She lost her way, faith, hope and all that she was

She was resigned and just lived from a day to another asking for nothing

Every morning she was putting her make-up on

Painting a smile on her face, but her eyes...her eyes were telling a different story

He saw this angel lying there, full of dirt with her dud’s clothes and broken wings

He picks her up, covers her with his warm coat and she rests

As he looks at her, she starts to feel at home, protected and loved

As more he was looking at her, the more he was falling for her

As more he was falling for her, the more she was feeling alive again

He washed her heart and brushed her hair

He made her feel like she is magic again

He saw her…and nothing but her

He saw her beauty, her warm heart full of care

He saw her unlimited love, faith and trust in people

He saw the angel that she was

The angel that he was searching for a life time and thought that he will never find

They found each other and they fell in love like never before

They both felt alive, living the story of their life

They spread joy, hope, peace and faith as they were walking hand in hand

They fit like 2 puzzle pieces, breaking down every wrong thought that people had about love.

They were made for each other,

They were magic…perfection being such a small word for what they were together

And they will make a change in this world because you feel once in life such love,

A love from which you can learn.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

What is in for you?

I am a little bit confused here my friends….Why if we all want the same thing, to love, be loved and be happy, we chase it like some cheetah an  antelope just to make her cubs survive another day? Why are we thirsty after affection, after love… Shouldn’t we suppose to follow our path and wait for it when is the right time? And no, do not even think to pop up the question: “Yeah, right…And from where do I know when is the right time, the right person and all that?”  

        You will know deep down. If you are patient, not some “cheetah” then you will know that next to you is or is not the right person. But as we are eager to find that someone most of us are just some “cheetah’s” chasing the preys down over and over again. We struggle in a relationship that is just not meant to be, we jump over some steps that are vital in the end, we enter in a relationship that we already know deep down that from the beginning, it will not work in the first place, we go out with people that are just hungry for our “flesh” like some animal that didn’t eat for weeks. And I could go on and on. The worst part is that we will be hurt, then we, at the same time hurt at least one more person. And for what? For a good night stand so that you can tell the guys the next day how you had her? For some stupid bet with friends? For the “list”, of cheeks that you “had” to be bigger and bigger or ( in a girls case) numbers of boyfriend that you had to make your friends and people around you see how desirable and good you are?

            For  what all this crap, people? Really… If we all want the same things, being so great people ( cause yeah we all think that we are so great, until we become selfish and start to think of ourselves first and the rest it just does not matter) then why on Earth we screw, mess somebody else up? Why? It is hilarious…just pathetic for sure. If only you could be human first and just simply put yourselves in  the other person’s  shoes  then you will see that what you are about to do, what you already did maybe WAS NOT  right.

I just ask you 2 things to try at least to do…at least try and I can assure you that you will feel good, you will see the World with different eyes.

         1. Stop running! Walk the way that was drawn for you to walk and be patient and then you will be no “murderers” of angels ….then you won’t harm/cut anybodies “wings”.

         2. When you are about to do something switch places and ask yourself “How would I feel if someone does/says that to me?

            Because at the end we have one life…just one and we all have the right to be loved, to love and be happy. So my friend, don’t be the one among those who breaks, be the one that is fixing  wings because if you look closer they are broken angels with a smile on their faces and a special sparkle in their eyes…

I miss...

I miss those times…those unforgettable times 

I miss your voice… that voice that whispers sweet joy

I miss your arms…those arms that embrace the soul and fill’s it up with hope

I miss your touch….that touch that felt like haven when the World was crushing down

I miss your smile…that smile that enlightens even the darkest sky

I miss your breath…that breath that can be felt on your skin when he holds you tight

I miss your eyes…those eyes that make you fly and feel alive

I miss your passion….that passion that was ours

I miss you love… that love that takes a lifetime to enjoy and some much more

That love that never passes…

I miss you…the ”old” you, but not you

I miss that love story that makes you feel butterflies like on the first dates

That love that washes all the pain away and makes you feel hopeless and ashamed when you lose it

That love that worth’s fighting for until the end

I miss that love that makes you smile even when you feel like crying

I miss that love that you wish you can live it too ....one day

I miss that….not this and not  you.

Thank you...

How funny is this life… If 3 years ago somebody would have told me that I’ll realize so many things and what I was planning and dreaming for would be lost forever, I would have laugh in his/her face. I fell in love and loved like crazy, like never before, I lost very close friends, people that were close to my heart and  I cared for a lot, then I fell in love again amazingly and believing  again, even if there was an “what if..?”.And I lost again….I had to move, needed a have a fresh start, to start over again, have my life in order.

Day by day I see so many people having these have rocks on their heart, struggling to understand, to breathe, to live, to be happy. Some of us run after answers that maybe we will never have and we are stuck between the present and the past. It is so funny, more ironic I guess.

I know how hard it is to move on, look for something else, follow your path, but honestly we have no other choice just to look ahead and be brave, believe and have faith.  We complicate life in general… usually. Things are simple. Either is black either is white. I guess that we are just too afraid to admit it and make a decision.  Now I understand so many things that happened the past years and I see things with different eyes. Probably we all do. I guess that I know what I have to do. Hmm…I guess I always knew it deep down, maybe I just wanted to have what everyone has, a loving boyfriend, friends, to be loved, get married, have a house, kids and get old. But not all of us have to take the same steps in life. Today, in our society, if you are more then 26 and you are not engaged, married or having somebody means that something is wrong and people, friends, family start to ask questions, put pressure and so on. Honestly it is hilarious indeed. There’s no rule for this, people. Each one of us has their own way that we need to walk on. And I feel sad that especially the people that are close do not understand it. But let’s get back on what I was talking about in the first place.

              

              I’m in peace now. I am. And is a peace that no one can take ever away because someone always held my hand and will never let me go…and never did. I looked back in the past. And every single time when I went to a rough and very hard time and I felt lost and without any hope in some way someone was sent to be there. When I was a volunteer at New Horizons Foundation there was Andra Vasilescu, Vali and Mona Popescu, Teo si Richi, Eric Copeland, Andra Suciu, Silvia Fagaras, Andreea Moraru, Mihai Szigyarto, Andrei Vartic, Ovidiu Popovici and so many more, and then in 2005 was an excruciating year for me and there was Alex Moldovan. When I thought that my world crushed and ended, being left alone, broken hearted, lost…there was Boti, Haris. I stood up again.

But lately as I moved to another city I got used to the fact that I am alone, on my own and I have to deal with things and that’s it. With no parents, sister or friends…This feeling is a feeling that I am really glad and thankful that I have because I am on my own and I can make it, still. But even having this feeling I had a few issues and had some trouble dialing with them. And without even thinking of the fact that I need help or a hand or something to make it Vali came. I met Vali.  And you will never know how much your gesture meant for me. No one ever did what you did for me even if I know you know me for a very short time and even if was just a “happy” chocolate and you being there.  I did that to those who were close to my heart and needed someone to just be there, but no one ever did that for me. I have no words to describe how much I appreciate it and how speechless you left me even now and I guess for a long time from now on. So what I can say is a simple “Thank you” and all my respect and appreciation.

                I can’t say I am a religious person who reads every day the Bible and pray every day, but now I know for sure that up there is someone who will never let go of my hand and be there for me no matter what happens, no matter how hard will be, no matter how lost will I be. He will hold my hand forever. I always felt that but in some way I always felt that I need just one more confirmation, just one more to believe it. But I don’t need it anymore. I have it. We should never forget that nothing happens without a reason. We might not know the reason and maybe never find out, but there is always a reason.