26 May 2013

Your love was skinny

       "I would have given my life just to see that you are ok, that you finally after such battles, you found your way, that you are alive, that you can walk again. I would have scared away all your demons and would have made your dark past fade away. I would have done anything for you, for your happiness....I would have protect you just to see your beauty. 

But what did you understand in the end? What are you after all? 

       If I would have know what would heal your soul and make you sparkle I would have done it to make you better, to see that your heart is in peace, that you finally can let it go and can shine. Your healing was my goal. In you I had my trust and I have never let my guard down because I knew that you are lost, you need support, you need someone to be there for you that case and loves you.

       I was there! Always! No matter what! But you couldn't just stay away and be there too as I was for you. You had to crush me down, you had to put that weight on my soul, tight stones to my legs and cut my wings to make me stay and make my dreams fade away.

       You don't know what you did...You don't know that those weight's will hunt me for a lifetime and so much more. You don't know that wings are not growing back, you don't know that scares are not healing, you don't know that you can't erase memories, you don't know that you can't put a smile on my face anymore, you don't know that you teared my soul apart leaving me naked, vulnerable and alone. You don't know what you did, but I know that I have to stop...It tears me apart and crushes my soul to pieces but I won't and I can't follow you anymore. Not anymore. I'm left out of hope, I lost all my dreams and I have to go on my way. You will never understand and you will never get it.  

       Words are to poor to describe all this. Your skinny love broke me and I can't live like thisI might not be healed, I might not be able to fly anymore, I might be broken forever, but my love was not "sick", my love was not broken. It was for you and only God knows what is hiding in this broken heart of mine. 
       I am sorry for not being good enough. I am sorry that my love was never enough.  I am sorry that I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry that I couldn't erase your darkness, make it go away and make you smile, truly smile. I am sorry that I wasn't enough.

      I am sorry...


06 May 2013

Regret, no...

      "I am grateful for everything that happened for the last weeks. I am so happy and in peace. If tomorrow will be my last day I would have only one regret...that I didn't have you sooner. That you didn't holed my hand sooner, that you didn't hug me before, that we didn't do all the things that we did sooner....that I didn't walk on the path that was given to me to walk on to be with you and I stray minutes, hours, days on wrong muddy and heavy path's, not being patient to wait what was meant to be. 
       No words or actions could describe what is going inside. Only me and God knows it. Wish every each and one of you would see, feel through my eyes just for 5 minutes and then you all will realize what am I talking about or what I was trying to say all the way, at every conference that I went, every time that I was a trainer, facilitator, your friend or just a person on which shoulder you can cry on, or that stranger that smiled back at you when you stepped with your muddy shoes on her brand new clean shoe, or just spit a glass of bear on my clothes, or when she holed your hand when no one else did and no one else wanted to. Then you....you will know how I see you, how I see the world, what I see in people, what I am hiding inside and just trying to make you see, feel, be. 

       But still I would have one regret ... that I didn't have us before, sooner, that I didn't say I love you when I felt it...but still I.... I will be grateful that we are the way we are, that we have the most precious thing that somebody could ever have: us. We are pure like water and strong like a rock. You know love,...the best part of all this is that we didn't break anyone's heart to be together, that we didn't planed it, that we did no harm to anyone,  that we were exactly the way we are. 

        There were always people asking me if I would have one wish to ask for that will become true what would that be and I had so many wishes that I never could give an answer. But know I have the answer: I would like everyone to feel and see how we do. 

Everything turned around and  you put tears of happiness on my face. We are beauty, we are perfection, we are true and so much more...and these are just our first steps...God knows what we can do more. 

So until now, I just simply want to thank you because you are who you are and the way you are and no matter what you hold my hand.