15 December 2012


I'll be your best friend
I'll be your world, your everything...if I could.

Let me be
Let me dream, breath, smile...

Give "ME" back
Take your memories and never come back

You, shadow of my own misery
Leave my present and be my past
Be kind just once and let me be wrong
Cause I won't be your best friend no longer, not anymore.

I'll be a hopeless soul lost in this world instead,
Wondering around...
But you, you'll be on your king tron celebrating and not looking back.

You selfish, disgusting snail go and leave your prints on someone else's skirt,
Mine is pure and honest
I won't be your escape to make you relax

I won't be your best friend, your world, your everything
Not even your salvation or your protection
Angels are not walking among us anymore
But your mistakes might bight you some day or not.

16 November 2012

...so please

" So please don't judge me
  And I won't judge you
  Cause it could get ugly
  Before it gets beautiful...
  Please don't judge me
  And I won't judge you
  And if you love me
  Then let it be beautiful..."

13 November 2012

Let me...

Let me dream…
Let me breathe…
Let me be.
Be fair and true…and let me go, without you.

Darkness has crossed the streets and blocks, being chased by the Fall  
Leaving behind falling stars,
Stars that were diamonds of the night for a few seconds once
Seconds that seamed eternity.

Stop chasing my dreams, you fool!
Leave and disappear from my thoughts, my wishes and my all,
Take back those bittersweet moments
And let me dream, breathe and feel alive again.

Be kind just once and give back what you took away
Give back everything, leave and don’t come back
‘Cause you drained the life out of my bones and the soul out of my heart…
God, Bless me with the wings of an ANGEL and let me dream, breath and feel again.

06 November 2012

What lightens you up?

           I always know what to say, in what to believe or hope for, what I want or what I am aiming for…but for a long time now, since I wrote on my blog for the last time,  I was thinking what to write about. Or at least how to write something that is just simple there inside and in a funny way, but sad at the same time, no one will ever understand and I don’t even want that. For those who know me… for me to get over something that just simply  pissed me off, or hurt me I have to talk, talk and talk over and over again about it.
There are thousands of reasons that put grey clouds on our sunny sky.

            So today on my way to work a question got into my head: „What brings sun in our dark and grey life? What brings joy and makes us smile no matter how hard life punches us in the face?” And rushing on my way to work to not to be late, I J  found so  many things around me that brought peace in my heart right away… without even to blink. What makes me smile, brings joy and peace no matter what? 
A beautiful sunrise, a full moon on a black stared sky, the innocence of a baby that walks hand in hand with her mom, a smile of a girl that is in love, my magical vanilla scrub that puts a smile on my face every single time that I use it and makes me go crazy:), people, a couple in love that hugs each other in a cold winter night, a good story, a great meal, a sexy skirt, a falling star, a kiss, a smile, a good perfume that refreshes my day,  spooning ( if you don't know what is that give a sign and I'll give you that details :d about it),  a day that without make-up I feel beautiful, pancakes, a long ride with the bike around Balaton, trips to London :d, having fun without any money, a great book, a handmade jewelry that turned out to be amazingly simple but beautiful, people that can put a smile on my face in my worst day, surprises and small gifts....and the list can continue.

            These are  a few things that went through my head. But what makes you smile, what bring joy in your heart when everything falls apart? What brings light and peace in your heart? 

18 May 2012


  There's no way that I could express all the feelings that I have inside....You can drag me through mud, pull me down with everything that you are, day in, day out, you can turn your back on me every time when you say that "I'm there for you", leave me with nothing. You can torn me into pieces and leave my numb and stunned with nothing to hope for, you can step on me and crush me like the bug that you step on by mistake on your way home, you can put endless tears to run for ever down on my face, but I will stand up every single time. I will stay on my feet, I will be strong, with more hope that this World can change....that you can change, that you still have beauty inside you, that you'll stop breaking peoples hearts, that you will realize one day what your actions are doing. That there's beauty and kindness inside you. That one day you will care, and care for real...you will care for the one's that are next to you.

Think twice when you want to say/do something, because your actions might break people...and there's no magic glue, whit which you can put them back together as they were before. You can never take back your words that cause a tragedy, you can't turn back time and fix what you messed up, you can't take them back, but you can do something to change, to make a change...to make it different this time.

 I wish you a kind heart, full with as much love as you can take, care, peace and empathy. Be beautiful and don't you forget...

01 May 2012

What does a friendship, a friend mean to you, my dear reader?

Throughout the years I realized that people are just people at the end. They are selfish, mean, reckless and they play you when you need them more then ever. Hmm... I don't even know anymore what does a "friend" mean in our days. I don't even know if we, people, we really understand the meaning of the word "friendship". Do we? Do you?

I am just looking around me...I didn't bother myself to look in other peoples life, because otherwise  I would have to write a novel on this topic, not just a simple post. So, my dear, I am pretty sure that there was at least 1 time when you asked yourself this question. And if you say "No way.  Never happened to me." We both know, that you are just lying to yourself. But, what happens when you reach that point that " I'm sorry" does not help anymore? And what happens to you, little snake that turned around and bit one of your own? What happens to those that you've disappointed? What happens to you? Do you really think that an "I'm sorry" helps? Do you really believe that you will wash the pain, disappointment, anger away just like you wash off the dirt from your car or from your cloths and get back to your pink life?  Let me tell you something...you won't. Cause there is no excuse when you harm those that were there and were true friends to you no matter what.   Not a fake hug or a "love you" makes a friend to be a friend....   A friend is there for you when is hard, when you feel you can't walk anymore, when you feel no one understands you anymore, when you feel is the end of the World and the sky is falling down on you, when you are able to keep a secret.  That is what a friend means...and so much more.

Why do we not think twice when we do something? Why do we not think about the consequences first and after take action? Why is so freaking hard to think of the person that is next to us first and after think about us? At least for once in our life??? What is so hard?
Because people are people and they do not change. They adept, they finish their behavior, their habits, but they never change. They are like the fox in the woods, sneaky and slick.

But, never mind...you, so called "friend"...maybe there's nothing that will ease the pain and disappointment that you caused once, but at least you showed your face and we know how does that face look like. Hope that you will realize one day what you have done through the years. It is just sad...and I feel sorry for those who don't realize the results of their stupid, thoughtless and childish action. One day, life will turn to you and will put in front of you a mirror and you will have to look into it. You will see what you did and then you will understand what your actions have caused it. So, just think twice next time, so called "friend",  before you say or do something because you're unconsciousness may harm your friend maybe...

The World does not spin around you, my friend don't you forget that.

18 April 2012

Does it worth it in the end?

When you believe that you are strong, things get better after all...

You realize that you are caught up between yourself ( you, the person that you are) and the rest of the World? What happens when, wherever you look you see so much beautiful things, but yet you realize that there's so much pain, sufferance and sadness that everything just falls apart and the beauty just gets crushed. What happens my friend, with those with a humble, carrying, good, honest heart, that you crush everyday with your ignorance and no respect? With you superiority and ignorant attitude that you have? What happens to those that pulled you out from your shit over and over again because you can't be responsible, manage your time in the right way, finish things in time and you don't even have the face to open your eyes and admit that you made a mistake, you don't have the balls to be right, you don't have the guts to stand up for just once.

We rush in life because we want to do so many things and we have so little time left and forget about the importance of small things, gestures, we don't have time. This is what we say " Sorry, I would really like to, but I'm  so busy and I will have to skip it" and then, we go home believing that we did so many things. Let me tell you something...you did indeed many things, but you forgot to be a simple human being. Between your important meetings from your busy agenda you forgot to be fair and right. But you know what is the saddest part? When you talk about the Lord and His Love, how much you believe in Him, how much you read the Bible, how much you thank God for everything that He is doing in your life and how is this the right way to go, fallow Jesus.

I'm not a priest or that person that reads 3 times a day the Bible, but I know that He is not selfish nor mean, He is not crushing anyone in His way to His own glory nor using anyone or anything to reach out the highest peak. He is not selfish. So at least have the dignity and just shut up because hearing these words coming out from these kind of peoples mouths, it just makes me throw up and wanting to tell you in the face how little you are. Hmm....it just makes me sad, that a person who talks and lives by His way is acting like this. Don't force things just for the sake of looking good in front of people. Don't forget that you don't have to have a degree to realize when somebody is fake....Pathetic rat, you make me sick.

I feel sorry for you...nothing more, nothing less. You say that "we are living in a crazy World, but at the end you are contributing to its craziness by giving an attitude to those that you can afford to. So, please, next time when you are going home, look in the mirror and think about the entire day, how and what did you do. You will be amazed what person will you discover. Shame on you....

16 April 2012

You brought me back...

      For those who know me or read my blog, they know that the ways of life were not easy for me and I went through some "interesting" times. It is amazing how life turns 360 degrees around and you find happiness, hope and trust when you think that everything is lost. It is amazing how the path that you have to go, is put down in front of you when you feel the most lost person on Earth. It is amazing how, thanks to someone, or some event, or something that just happened randomly, suddenly everything makes sense, suddenly everything remainder's you of who you really are and like a new born, you can see the day light.

And now, my dear reader you are wondering what I'm talking about??? No, I did not go crazy, at least not for now, not yet :D It happened that this week, with no mood to work and socialize and these kind of things, happened that I met one of the greatest person. 

Did you ever wondered why certain things happened or are already happening? Did you ever wish to just disappear or just to turn to the next page of your life because the page that you are on, it sucks and you just want to just wipe the pain  away, because you did nothing wrong to deserve it, but still everything around you falls apart. But, when you reach that point that you are just numb, you can not be hurt anymore because you are drowned in your own pain and tears, you are, just to be and nothing matters anymore, something happens and suddenly you see things with different eyes. It happened this week to meet a very special person, a photographer,editor,cameraman and so much more : Marvin Orellana. He came together with Peter Clark to make a movie with one of our clients for training material and it happened to spend with them 2 days in Reghin. Honestly, when I found out on Tuesday, I was not so happy about it because I was just tired and I knew that it will take us the entire day to take those shootings and I wasn't in the mood, but I had to go to help in with the translation and as I can not be rude with people ( not talking and all that) because is just not in my nature, I gave in my best and I did everything to help in with the shooting, interview and all. And you know what? It turned out to be one of the best days of my life, for a very , long time. In these two days I have found myself...I realized so many things and yes my dear friend, thanks to you Marvin, I realized that the old me is there inside and was never gone. You might not realize everything that you've done, you might know just a part of my life and not know the entire picture...but you did such a simple but at the same time huge thing. "Small things make the difference" and we need the right persons sometimes next to u, eve if it is just for a very sort time, to make us remember who we really are. Despite everything that happened in the past months, when I thought that this is it, nothing is going to be ok anymore...I am happy! I'm happy even if things still fall apart around me, even if everything is grey and nothing seams to be working out, I am happy. I'm hurt, broken and sad, but I am happy inside. My heart is "smiling". I feel so much hope, faith and happiness in my heart that I'm about to sparkle like a bright light in the middle of a sad November. I wish I could have always beside me people like Marvin...

I remember when I was a volunteer at AIESEC and FNO I used to work with these great people that were having every single day an impact in somebody's life, thanks to their passion, hope, believe that things can be changed and someday the World would be different. No matter how hard was everything, we never stoped believing, hoping and fighting for what we believed in. Back then, I remember that I did not have an easy life either, but no matter how hard was everything and I had to fight for my beliefs, I was happy. I had this inner glow, this inner "power" that no one could take it away, no one could turn it off. And it wasn't because we were moving mountains or something like that...It was because of the people. Being there for someone when no one else was it meant the World to them. Seeing that change in peoples life day by day it was more than enough for us to keep doing what we were doing. Time was invested in these people, very much time, but the reward received from them was much more, all the hard work that was done, it worth it in the end. People broth light and so much happiness in my life. Because I believed, because I gave a chance to those to who no one else did. This is why I love to work with people. People are amazingly magical. They can brake and fix you. They can bring sparkles in your life. They are like fireworks. I can not describe the rewarding feeling that I got back, but I can say that it worth it!!! I don't regret not even 1 minute of all the things that I did for and with them, because I know that deep, somewhere in their hearts, the sparkle is there and I know that a change was made. 

So Marvin I really want to thank you for reminding of "the old me". Thank you for all those great memories that I will keep close. Thank you for all your jokes and little stories that were so funny. Thank you for simply being you. Thank you for all the fun that we had. It meant a lot to me. You opened my eyes. "I was lost, but I am found". I don't know if we will ever see each other ( though I hope that you'll keep your promise :P ) I thank you for everything that you've done in these two days, that you were here. You are an amazing person, don't you ever forget that!!! Wish I could write down everything that I feel inside so that you can understand and see...because for me it was important. No matter in which part of this World will we be...I will always remember you my dear friend, Marvin....

22 March 2012

New borned

The past 2 years were rough. Everything turned the other way around, on ways that I never thought that they will. What I tought that I have and can do is gone now. But this is life I guess…is unexpected. Not many things changed since then. There’s was a friend that told me once that actions speak louder than words. I remember that when he told me this and I was so denying it. But I have to admit now that he was so right. We have to look for the facts, not words.  We are great speakers, but we have to act we froze. Actions speak louder than words for sure! Funny thing though… now I will just be. I made some decisions and I will stick to them. I will not let my guards down for nothing and specially for no one, because no one deserves that much.  I’m not gonna care what would people say about it, because at the end of the day is my life and my happiness. I think I worth and deserve more because some of us just don’t see their own mistakes. You might think that I'm selfish and mean. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But anyway, who are you to judge me or anyone ??? We can always blame others for our actions, mistakes, stupidity, behavior, distance…Is hard to say “I’m sorry, I made a mistake, but it’s going to me ok. I’m going to make it better”.  Is hard to apologize because we are human beings and we are full of pride and we rather turn the page, ten fix the problem and make it work. It just makes me sad and brings me so much sadness when I see it.
So…please at least think twice, my friend, when you believe that you know what is really going on open your eyes and see what is really going on, because if not you might break someone’s heart. Breaking someone’s heart might not be so bad. Bad is that you will never see your mistake. You will never see that maybe you are the one that made a mistake. Blaming the one next to us is not going to make us better because when we don’t see our mistakes and act upon them, we will make the same mistakes and this way we cause pain to others, blaming others.  
Is just sad what we can cause to others… I sad what this World has become thanks to our actions. How did we get so far...

19 March 2012

Good old times and memories.

     On Friday afternoon, I received a message. When I saw who wrote to me I remained speechless. This firend of mine moved to Sibiu last year after long and “interesting” period. I didn’t see him since November of December 2011. Instead of being happy that he finally gave a sign I was stoned. Well…it was a really strange feeling. Maybe it was because we didn’t talk lately and so many things have happened and I needed him so much. But the main thing was that I missed him very much and suddenly he was again there. I know him since 2009 and we have so many memories and such great times spent together. When we met on Sunday, I realized that those few months that we stopped talking to each other from unknown reasons, were not even there because we talked to each other like we always did. It was like in good old times, when we were having so much fun together and helped each other out no matter what. He was the only person who was always there for me every single time.

 In some sort of way I got use to the fact that people come and go in our life and every person has a role in our life. I guess that this was one of the hardest lessons that I’ve learned. For me, letting go those people that play an important role in my life, is really hard and painful because I hate new things and I reach such a special connection with them that it gets really hard to let them go. So it’s really difficult when you have a bond like this and at one point everyone goes on their own way and you realize that you don’t have them around like you use to and memories are the ones that will always remain with you. But what can I say? Time passes, we grow, we go on different ways, and we change ourselves on our journey. But we change our behaviour, our diet, our hair style or hair colour, our lifestyle maybe, but we remain the same. Somewhere deep down we will be like we always have been. People don’t change, they adapt.

           I remembered this morning as I was coming to work a few things that passed and they will never come back. So many joyful and happy times spent with people that I cared so much. With this friend of mine, back in the days, I remember that we were making jokes and that we wanted to write a book with our jokes when we will have as much jokes as we need for a book. We were volunteers in a student organization so the jokes that we made where on the situations and events that happened back then. If I’m thinking back, we were having so much fun with it.  The only negative part that these jokes have is the fact that they are funny to those that were there and they know the “situation”. I found a few jokes which broth me back some really great and funny memories. I left them in the original way so sorry for those who do not know Romanian and for those who will not understand much.

       Ştii bancul cu AIESEC??

Ştii bancul cu, Călin ??
        Copy paste.

                     Ştii bancul cu, Călin ?

     Ştii bancul cu Gioni (cu “ I “ de la ţăran ) ?

      Ştii bancul cu Tamás?
     True, foarte true.
    Ştii bancul cu LCC 2?

                 Ştii bancul cu Nimrod?

  Ştii bancul cu Nimro ?
              Ştii bancul cu Claudia?

       Ştii bancul cu Victor?
Analitic, prea analitic.

        Ştii bancul cu Craciunul ?

Ştii bancul cu OCP-ul?
Gantt chart.
Ştii bancul cu Down Town?
            Ştii bancul cu Reka?
Ştii bancul cu aplicarea?

Ştii bancul cu Joco?
         Ştii bancul cu Diana Z.?
Brand violation.

          Ştii bancul cu Claudia?
         Voi afla in tranziţie.

Ştii bancul cu Cosmin?
Valorile AIESEC.

Ştii bancul cu rollcall-ul?

Ştii bancul cu Micky ?

      Ştii bancul cu FISH?

Ştii bancul cu Antonia?
Ştii bancul cu Tamás?

        Ştii bancul cu buda din Backstage?
Ştii bancul cu Claudiu?
Ştii bancul cu turmentatul?
Tări oraşe.

Ştii bancul cu INBOX?
General communication.
Ştii bancul cu LTT-ul?
Ştii bancul cu Adelina ?
Ştii bancul cu AIESEC?
Fix “peştele”.

      Ştii bancul cu Victor?
      Nu e chiar aşa de grea.

Culmea AIESEC-ului : Să devi alumni după 2 luni.

“Ajungi la o vârstă cand nu-ţi mai pasă de INBOX”.

Ştii bancul cu Victor?
O scol din morţii.

Ştii bancul cu RTS?
Fix “peştele”.

Ştii bancul cu Incze?
      Ştii bancul cu Diana Z.?
      Pune Punct carierei tale.     

                       So my dear friend, this is for you...We did not pubish a book with our jokes, but they are published. Have a great jorney and hope that we'll see each other soon. You know were to find me when you need me. I will always be here. 

05 March 2012

Never again

           I don't need anyone to understand or worse...to try to understand what's really going on, because you weren't there to live what I lived so far. The worst part is that no one can understand how much it hurts, do not even try to understand because you just won't. 

           I quess that I should just turn left on, Selfish Street and keep on walking without looking back. This is what I should do. Why not? Because at the end what does it matter??? You think it does? It doesn't, trust me. Been there, done that. When someone feels like crap, needs you, has no one around you're there when the World has turned its back on you, turned into a black whole from which you can find your way out, the little light at the end of the tunnel you're there because you feel that that is the right thing to do, that is what your heart is telling you to do because your heart knows best how it feels what no one is there when you needed it the most. But what happens when you get better? Do you still stick around ?But what happens when her/his World will crash will you be there then? Will you really just be there?

           Please let me just answer instead of you: YOU WON'T! I know, I know that you say right now: That's not true. Because I will be there no matter what. But will you? We are never around when our loved once, family, boyfriend or girlfriend, best friend, need us. This is why we can listen to the one next to us, we don't have time anymore to be there, at the most useless appointment or just at an event of our friend where maybe we do not anyone just because we have other more important or worst situation to deal with. We are never around, because our problem is way to big and far more bad that theirs. We forget to be there....We forget so many things and at the end we cause pain to the one that were always there no matter what. But that is not a problem, not at all. The question is...

What happens to those that were always crushed by you? 

What happens to those that were always there? 

What happens to those that never turned their back on you? 

What happens to those that had a shoulder to cry on for you when no one else had? 

What happens to those that were there, believing in you when no one else was? 

What happens to those stood up for you when no one else would have? 

What happens to those that were against the entire World for you? 

What happens to those that reach out to you when no one else was? 

       Tell me, my friend...what happens to those people? Because as far I can see they are just some toy's to you..Toy's that can be thrown away when they  aren't needed anymore. Hmm...funny indeed. Life is cruel, a jungle, where the most selfish, stoned hearted with cold blood, senseless and careless stays up on their feet and survives. Don't you even dare to say that is not true...deep in your heart you know that is true. At least this time have the guts to admit it. 
        We cause to much pain and suffering, as it wouldn't be enough of pain and suffering in this World. But nothings  it's ever enough, right? When is it anyway? Never I guess....

        I had  a cousin once. When we were little we weren't talking too much or do anything. Maybe it was because of the fact that he was living with his family in other country and we were seeing each other very rarely. So we were two strangers to each other. 
       I was visiting my  fathers family in the Summer of 2007. Manny years passed since I didn't talk with my cousin due to the situation, but me being there and seeing each other in some way we connected so fast. He was very talented. Was a  great painter, sculpture, learned to play the guitar alone and was one of the greatest swimmers that I've ever seen. I was so happy and glad that we connected so well. That Summer we spend some good time together, talking a lot. He showed me his apartment, came at exhibitions with me and my aunt. He was doing anything as he could to stay as much as he could with me and just talk. One of my dreams was to paint a portrait of me. I always wish for that, since I was little. In one of the afternoon's when his elder sister was just painting on the kitchen table I asked him to paint me. He heisted at first, but at the end he got serious , even now I can see his face, and started to paint me.
         When time came for me to go home, I promised him that I will write to him and keep in touch. I went back home feeling and being so happy that I had this great Summer with my cousin. Autumn passed and then Winter put down his white coat.A new year came. I remember that it was a chilly February when we got a phone call from my uncle: "My son died. He hanged himself. " I was stoned. I froze ...Couldn't believe what my ears were hearing. How did that happen? How could he do this to himself? Why?
         Thousand's of questions were running thru my head, but what did it matter? And all of a sudden it crossed in my head my promise. My promise that we will keep in touch, that I will write to him. I never did. Never...I was having a bad time too at that time, but my problem was worse than his and I didn't find time to write. I will live for the rest of my life with one question at which I will never know the answer: What would have happened if I wrote? 

          So in case that you were thinking that I don't know what I'm talking about when I said that we turn our back when we are needed, I know what I am talking about. I've done it once and I won't do it again. Now I do not dare to promise something, but when I do I'm keeping my promise. So the next time when you put your problems first, saying that your's are worse think twice and open for God's sake your eyes and just don't turn your back on those that need you, those that maybe were there for you once. Because you can turn back time and say "I'm sorry"...but we can be there for those who we love when they need us the most. We are great judge's of life and actions of others, but are we doing the right once?

  "First time is a mistake, the second time is your choice."

04 March 2012

Will it ever pass ?

        We fight with many things as long as we live. Either is for a small thing or for the most important thing in our life. We struggle to make it better, be great and happy not loose our self. We stick to what we love, so much that when is gone we feel like is the end of everything…feels like something has broken inside and can not be fixed.

        Time will pass and time will tell the story of our feelings, time will wash our pain away like the sea the shore in a storm. Time will always pass and heal our wounds, but the only thing that not even time is able to erase is the scar that will join us for the rest of our journey. Or can time erase that too?

         I’ve learned that “Nothing happens without a reason”,but what are the reasons of our day in day out pain, the reason of our endless tears rolling down our cheeks, or our sadness and loneliness that lays somewhere deep down in our heart and seams like it doesn’t want to “leave” us. What will make that go away? Time??? Or will be with us forever???

28 February 2012

Time will tell....

       I set down and thought about it a lot and I decided that in the present future I will not finish the story “Should have been a fairy tale”. I’m not saying that I will never finish it, but for now this is the best that can be done. Is a story that played one of the most important things in my life and now all that is left from it is a big grey box, full of disappointment, amazement, a broken heart left with 1000 of questions thinking that is never going to be better. Being right now in a good place after such “event” is destructive to go back and write about something that was beautiful and amazing, when is not there anymore.

          Right now I am happy, I have plans, thinking about my future, my dreams and believes so I do not want to go back in such sad and grey place, because I am finally fine.
Time will tell what is best to do with the story.