05 March 2012

Never again

           I don't need anyone to understand or worse...to try to understand what's really going on, because you weren't there to live what I lived so far. The worst part is that no one can understand how much it hurts, do not even try to understand because you just won't. 

           I quess that I should just turn left on, Selfish Street and keep on walking without looking back. This is what I should do. Why not? Because at the end what does it matter??? You think it does? It doesn't, trust me. Been there, done that. When someone feels like crap, needs you, has no one around you're there when the World has turned its back on you, turned into a black whole from which you can find your way out, the little light at the end of the tunnel you're there because you feel that that is the right thing to do, that is what your heart is telling you to do because your heart knows best how it feels what no one is there when you needed it the most. But what happens when you get better? Do you still stick around ?But what happens when her/his World will crash will you be there then? Will you really just be there?

           Please let me just answer instead of you: YOU WON'T! I know, I know that you say right now: That's not true. Because I will be there no matter what. But will you? We are never around when our loved once, family, boyfriend or girlfriend, best friend, need us. This is why we can listen to the one next to us, we don't have time anymore to be there, at the most useless appointment or just at an event of our friend where maybe we do not anyone just because we have other more important or worst situation to deal with. We are never around, because our problem is way to big and far more bad that theirs. We forget to be there....We forget so many things and at the end we cause pain to the one that were always there no matter what. But that is not a problem, not at all. The question is...

What happens to those that were always crushed by you? 

What happens to those that were always there? 

What happens to those that never turned their back on you? 

What happens to those that had a shoulder to cry on for you when no one else had? 

What happens to those that were there, believing in you when no one else was? 

What happens to those stood up for you when no one else would have? 

What happens to those that were against the entire World for you? 

What happens to those that reach out to you when no one else was? 

       Tell me, my friend...what happens to those people? Because as far I can see they are just some toy's to you..Toy's that can be thrown away when they  aren't needed anymore. Hmm...funny indeed. Life is cruel, a jungle, where the most selfish, stoned hearted with cold blood, senseless and careless stays up on their feet and survives. Don't you even dare to say that is not true...deep in your heart you know that is true. At least this time have the guts to admit it. 
        We cause to much pain and suffering, as it wouldn't be enough of pain and suffering in this World. But nothings  it's ever enough, right? When is it anyway? Never I guess....

        I had  a cousin once. When we were little we weren't talking too much or do anything. Maybe it was because of the fact that he was living with his family in other country and we were seeing each other very rarely. So we were two strangers to each other. 
       I was visiting my  fathers family in the Summer of 2007. Manny years passed since I didn't talk with my cousin due to the situation, but me being there and seeing each other in some way we connected so fast. He was very talented. Was a  great painter, sculpture, learned to play the guitar alone and was one of the greatest swimmers that I've ever seen. I was so happy and glad that we connected so well. That Summer we spend some good time together, talking a lot. He showed me his apartment, came at exhibitions with me and my aunt. He was doing anything as he could to stay as much as he could with me and just talk. One of my dreams was to paint a portrait of me. I always wish for that, since I was little. In one of the afternoon's when his elder sister was just painting on the kitchen table I asked him to paint me. He heisted at first, but at the end he got serious , even now I can see his face, and started to paint me.
         When time came for me to go home, I promised him that I will write to him and keep in touch. I went back home feeling and being so happy that I had this great Summer with my cousin. Autumn passed and then Winter put down his white coat.A new year came. I remember that it was a chilly February when we got a phone call from my uncle: "My son died. He hanged himself. " I was stoned. I froze ...Couldn't believe what my ears were hearing. How did that happen? How could he do this to himself? Why?
         Thousand's of questions were running thru my head, but what did it matter? And all of a sudden it crossed in my head my promise. My promise that we will keep in touch, that I will write to him. I never did. Never...I was having a bad time too at that time, but my problem was worse than his and I didn't find time to write. I will live for the rest of my life with one question at which I will never know the answer: What would have happened if I wrote? 

          So in case that you were thinking that I don't know what I'm talking about when I said that we turn our back when we are needed, I know what I am talking about. I've done it once and I won't do it again. Now I do not dare to promise something, but when I do I'm keeping my promise. So the next time when you put your problems first, saying that your's are worse think twice and open for God's sake your eyes and just don't turn your back on those that need you, those that maybe were there for you once. Because you can turn back time and say "I'm sorry"...but we can be there for those who we love when they need us the most. We are great judge's of life and actions of others, but are we doing the right once?

  "First time is a mistake, the second time is your choice."

No comments:

Post a Comment