New borned

The past 2 years were rough. Everything turned the other way around, on ways that I never thought that they will. What I tought that I have and can do is gone now. But this is life I guess…is unexpected. Not many things changed since then. There’s was a friend that told me once that actions speak louder than words. I remember that when he told me this and I was so denying it. But I have to admit now that he was so right. We have to look for the facts, not words.  We are great speakers, but we have to act we froze. Actions speak louder than words for sure! Funny thing though… now I will just be. I made some decisions and I will stick to them. I will not let my guards down for nothing and specially for no one, because no one deserves that much.  I’m not gonna care what would people say about it, because at the end of the day is my life and my happiness. I think I worth and deserve more because some of us just don’t see their own mistakes. You might think that I'm selfish and mean. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But anyway, who are you to judge me or anyone ??? We can always blame others for our actions, mistakes, stupidity, behavior, distance…Is hard to say “I’m sorry, I made a mistake, but it’s going to me ok. I’m going to make it better”.  Is hard to apologize because we are human beings and we are full of pride and we rather turn the page, ten fix the problem and make it work. It just makes me sad and brings me so much sadness when I see it.

So…please at least think twice, my friend, when you believe that you know what is really going on open your eyes and see what is really going on, because if not you might break someone’s heart. Breaking someone’s heart might not be so bad. Bad is that you will never see your mistake. You will never see that maybe you are the one that made a mistake. Blaming the one next to us is not going to make us better because when we don’t see our mistakes and act upon them, we will make the same mistakes and this way we cause pain to others, blaming others.  

Is just sad what we can cause to others… I sad what this World has become thanks to our actions. How did we get so far...

Good old times and memories.

     On Friday afternoon, I received a message. When I saw who wrote to me I remained speechless. This firend of mine moved to Sibiu last year after long and “interesting” period. I didn’t see him since November of December 2011. Instead of being happy that he finally gave a sign I was stoned. Well…it was a really strange feeling. Maybe it was because we didn’t talk lately and so many things have happened and I needed him so much. But the main thing was that I missed him very much and suddenly he was again there. I know him since 2009 and we have so many memories and such great times spent together. When we met on Sunday, I realized that those few months that we stopped talking to each other from unknown reasons, were not even there because we talked to each other like we always did. It was like in good old times, when we were having so much fun together and helped each other out no matter what. He was the only person who was always there for me every single time.

 In some sort of way I got use to the fact that people come and go in our life and every person has a role in our life. I guess that this was one of the hardest lessons that I’ve learned. For me, letting go those people that play an important role in my life, is really hard and painful because I hate new things and I reach such a special connection with them that it gets really hard to let them go. So it’s really difficult when you have a bond like this and at one point everyone goes on their own way and you realize that you don’t have them around like you use to and memories are the ones that will always remain with you. But what can I say? Time passes, we grow, we go on different ways, and we change ourselves on our journey. But we change our behaviour, our diet, our hair style or hair colour, our lifestyle maybe, but we remain the same. Somewhere deep down we will be like we always have been. People don’t change, they adapt.

           I remembered this morning as I was coming to work a few things that passed and they will never come back. So many joyful and happy times spent with people that I cared so much. With this friend of mine, back in the days, I remember that we were making jokes and that we wanted to write a book with our jokes when we will have as much jokes as we need for a book. We were volunteers in a student organization so the jokes that we made where on the situations and events that happened back then. If I’m thinking back, we were having so much fun with it.  The only negative part that these jokes have is the fact that they are funny to those that were there and they know the “situation”. I found a few jokes which broth me back some really great and funny memories. I left them in the original way so sorry for those who do not know Romanian and for those who will not understand much.

       Ştii bancul cu AIESEC??

  INBOX.

Ştii bancul cu, Călin ??

        Copy paste.

                     Ştii bancul cu, Călin ?

                     Bullshit.

     Ştii bancul cu Gioni (cu “ I “ de la ţăran ) ?

     Călin

      Ştii bancul cu Tamás?

     True, foarte true.

    Ştii bancul cu LCC 2?

    Q&A.

                 Ştii bancul cu Nimrod?

                 Sparge-o.

  Ştii bancul cu Nimro ?

Muuuu…

              Ştii bancul cu Claudia?

Photoshop.

       Ştii bancul cu Victor?

Analitic, prea analitic.

        Ştii bancul cu Craciunul ?
        Covrigei.

Ştii bancul cu OCP-ul?

Gantt chart.

Ştii bancul cu Down Town?

Boxa.

            Ştii bancul cu Reka?

            Elaborează.

Ştii bancul cu aplicarea?

      -Feedback.

Ştii bancul cu Joco?

Textilează-te.

                                                                        

         Ştii bancul cu Diana Z.?

Brand violation.

          Ştii bancul cu Claudia?

         Voi afla in tranziţie.

Ştii bancul cu Cosmin?

Valorile AIESEC.

Ştii bancul cu rollcall-ul?

Periuţa.

Ştii bancul cu Micky ?

Godlike.

      Ştii bancul cu FISH?

      Chiestele.

Ştii bancul cu Antonia?

Respiră.

Ştii bancul cu Tamás?

Mânuţa.

        Ştii bancul cu buda din Backstage?

        Butoanele.

Ştii bancul cu Claudiu?

Pateu.

Ştii bancul cu turmentatul?

Tări oraşe.

Ştii bancul cu INBOX?

General communication.

Ştii bancul cu LTT-ul?

     LUT

Ştii bancul cu Adelina ?

Gaza.

Ştii bancul cu AIESEC?

Fix “peştele”.

      Ştii bancul cu Victor?

      Nu e chiar aşa de grea.

Culmea AIESEC-ului : Să devi alumni după 2 luni.

“Ajungi la o vârstă cand nu-ţi mai pasă de INBOX”.

Ştii bancul cu Victor?

O scol din morţii.

Ştii bancul cu RTS?

Fix “peştele”.

Ştii bancul cu Incze?
Tabula.

      Ştii bancul cu Diana Z.?

      Pune Punct carierei tale.     

                       So my dear friend, this is for you...We did not pubish a book with our jokes, but they are published. Have a great jorney and hope that we'll see each other soon. You know were to find me when you need me. I will always be here. 

Never again

           I don't need anyone to understand or worse...to try to understand what's really going on, because you weren't there to live what I lived so far. The worst part is that no one can understand how much it hurts, do not even try to understand because you just won't. 

           I quess that I should just turn left on, Selfish Street and keep on walking without looking back. This is what I should do. Why not? Because at the end what does it matter??? You think it does? It doesn't, trust me. Been there, done that. When someone feels like crap, needs you, has no one around you're there when the World has turned its back on you, turned into a black whole from which you can find your way out, the little light at the end of the tunnel you're there because you feel that that is the right thing to do, that is what your heart is telling you to do because your heart knows best how it feels what no one is there when you needed it the most. But what happens when you get better? Do you still stick around ?But what happens when her/his World will crash will you be there then? Will you really just be there?

           Please let me just answer instead of you: YOU WON'T! I know, I know that you say right now: That's not true. Because I will be there no matter what. But will you? We are never around when our loved once, family, boyfriend or girlfriend, best friend, need us. This is why we can listen to the one next to us, we don't have time anymore to be there, at the most useless appointment or just at an event of our friend where maybe we do not anyone just because we have other more important or worst situation to deal with. We are never around, because our problem is way to big and far more bad that theirs. We forget to be there....We forget so many things and at the end we cause pain to the one that were always there no matter what. But that is not a problem, not at all. The question is...

What happens to those that were always crushed by you? 

What happens to those that were always there? 

What happens to those that never turned their back on you? 

What happens to those that had a shoulder to cry on for you when no one else had? 

What happens to those that were there, believing in you when no one else was? 

What happens to those stood up for you when no one else would have? 

What happens to those that were against the entire World for you? 

What happens to those that reach out to you when no one else was? 

       Tell me, my friend...what happens to those people? Because as far I can see they are just some toy's to you..Toy's that can be thrown away when they  aren't needed anymore. Hmm...funny indeed. Life is cruel, a jungle, where the most selfish, stoned hearted with cold blood, senseless and careless stays up on their feet and survives. Don't you even dare to say that is not true...deep in your heart you know that is true. At least this time have the guts to admit it. 

        We cause to much pain and suffering, as it wouldn't be enough of pain and suffering in this World. But nothings  it's ever enough, right? When is it anyway? Never I guess....

        I had  a cousin once. When we were little we weren't talking too much or do anything. Maybe it was because of the fact that he was living with his family in other country and we were seeing each other very rarely. So we were two strangers to each other. 

       I was visiting my  fathers family in the Summer of 2007. Manny years passed since I didn't talk with my cousin due to the situation, but me being there and seeing each other in some way we connected so fast. He was very talented. Was a  great painter, sculpture, learned to play the guitar alone and was one of the greatest swimmers that I've ever seen. I was so happy and glad that we connected so well. That Summer we spend some good time together, talking a lot. He showed me his apartment, came at exhibitions with me and my aunt. He was doing anything as he could to stay as much as he could with me and just talk. One of my dreams was to paint a portrait of me. I always wish for that, since I was little. In one of the afternoon's when his elder sister was just painting on the kitchen table I asked him to paint me. He heisted at first, but at the end he got serious , even now I can see his face, and started to paint me.

      

         When time came for me to go home, I promised him that I will write to him and keep in touch. I went back home feeling and being so happy that I had this great Summer with my cousin. Autumn passed and then Winter put down his white coat.A new year came. I remember that it was a chilly February when we got a phone call from my uncle: "My son died. He hanged himself. " I was stoned. I froze ...Couldn't believe what my ears were hearing. How did that happen? How could he do this to himself? Why?

       

         Thousand's of questions were running thru my head, but what did it matter? And all of a sudden it crossed in my head my promise. My promise that we will keep in touch, that I will write to him. I never did. Never...I was having a bad time too at that time, but my problem was worse than his and I didn't find time to write. I will live for the rest of my life with one question at which I will never know the answer: What would have happened if I wrote? 

          So in case that you were thinking that I don't know what I'm talking about when I said that we turn our back when we are needed, I know what I am talking about. I've done it once and I won't do it again. Now I do not dare to promise something, but when I do I'm keeping my promise. So the next time when you put your problems first, saying that your's are worse think twice and open for God's sake your eyes and just don't turn your back on those that need you, those that maybe were there for you once. Because you can turn back time and say "I'm sorry"...but we can be there for those who we love when they need us the most. We are great judge's of life and actions of others, but are we doing the right once?

  "First time is a mistake, the second time is your choice."

Will it ever pass ?

        We fight with many things as long as we live. Either is for a small thing or for the most important thing in our life. We struggle to make it better, be great and happy not loose our self. We stick to what we love, so much that when is gone we feel like is the end of everything…feels like something has broken inside and can not be fixed.

        Time will pass and time will tell the story of our feelings, time will wash our pain away like the sea the shore in a storm. Time will always pass and heal our wounds, but the only thing that not even time is able to erase is the scar that will join us for the rest of our journey. Or can time erase that too?

         I’ve learned that “Nothing happens without a reason”,but what are the reasons of our day in day out pain, the reason of our endless tears rolling down our cheeks, or our sadness and loneliness that lays somewhere deep down in our heart and seams like it doesn’t want to “leave” us. What will make that go away? Time??? Or will be with us forever???

Time will tell....

       I set down and thought about it a lot and I decided that in the present future I will not finish the story “Should have been a fairy tale”. I’m not saying that I will never finish it, but for now this is the best that can be done. Is a story that played one of the most important things in my life and now all that is left from it is a big grey box, full of disappointment, amazement, a broken heart left with 1000 of questions thinking that is never going to be better. Being right now in a good place after such “event” is destructive to go back and write about something that was beautiful and amazing, when is not there anymore.

          Right now I am happy, I have plans, thinking about my future, my dreams and believes so I do not want to go back in such sad and grey place, because I am finally fine.

Time will tell what is best to do with the story.

Hope, believe, fight!

Too many people that I know are just simple like a roller coaster. Two days are great then the rest of the week are depressed and confused.  Well, I know the feeling and trust me is really not the feeling that you dreamt all your life to have. Is really bad. You can't move forward with your life, either to go back in the past and you are stuck in the present. And you are sitting there, wondering : What did I do wrong? Why all this had to happen to you? What is the reason? But only time has all those answers for the questions that are just stuck in your head and you can’t “move” forward because you have to have answers to those questions. And this is how days are passing and, you, beautiful soul that you are, you are losing all the beautiful things that are passing by. You are just a shadow on the streets and the only thing that you have in your head is the questions. And you’re stuck!!!!

But happily, there are people that will be there...will be there to kick your ass. Will help you to stand up, people that will take the bandage off of your eyes and will make you see again. Now you think that that will never be possible again. That smile that you always had on your face will be just a memory. You think that things will be just simply days, nothing more nothing less and you will be just an ordinary person that once was great, had dreams, wanted to do so many things in life, but now all went away and you will never be happy.

Let me just tell you something: YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!!! You can say all the reasons that you have on Earth,that is not like that, that I'm not right,but you know that YOU ARE WRONG!!!  There is that person that will kick your ass and just tell you in the face all the things that right now you don’t want to hear, because you are hurt, you are depressed and life is just unfair with you. But that person will be kicking your ass until you will wake up and will show you that there still is hope.

Hope is a feeling that makes us believe that there still is a way out and that life is not a shit that just hits us and will not go away. Hope…hope, my friend and you will see the light that will make your way bright.

Believe that you can make it, that beautiful things will happen to you because they will. Don’t you ever forget though…”Nothing happens without a reason”. Yes, you don’t see the reason that things are happening just the other way around. But don’t sit there and just search for that reason and think that after you will find it you will be just great as you were before. Trust me, that’s not going to happen. You will just waste your time searching the reasons and when you will “wake up” you realize that it was just wrong to do that. But you can’t turn back time, you can’t go back and just change it. Wish we could do that in our life at least only once. But we can’t. So believe that there still is hope no matter how bad things turned out. Believe and you will see that life will be again beautiful. Because that’s how life is, BEAUTIFUL. But only we can make it beautiful. Believe in you, believe that after all you will be just fine, you will stand up, and you will walk your way and be just great and awesome. I know is hard, you think you can’t do it, that everything fell down and there’s no way out. You believe that, but just think about what I wrote, after your ass will be kicked by someone and the bandage will fell off of your eyes :)  

Fight for your happiness. Some of us have it easily or we think they have it, but some people have to go thru tough things, get hurt, be broken hearted, be alone, lost and hopeless. Do you know what they do? FIGHT, HOPE and BELIEVE for what they want,  FIGHT, HOPE and BELIEVE to be happy, to have a great life.

My friend, don't forget about these 3 words. Imprint them in your head and believe in them with a true heart. You will see that it takes a second to feel better, to stand up on your feet, walk your way and shine again.

9.IX.2011

Did you ever feel that happiness and peace in your heart just looking at two in love persons and you just want to be part of something like that, just be so in love?

Well...when I first saw them together I knew that I want to live a love story like that too. I saw in the way that you were looking at each other…with so much love, sincerity, honesty and respect. They were breading and radiating their love. And in a strange way every single time when I looked at them my lips put a smile on my face and tears rushed in a second in my eyes. I tell you, it's a feeling that you must live, so that you can understand it. I saw, I see and most probably will see many couples, but I never "felt" or see so much love. It is just amazing!!! Is just a beautiful simple story that you can live it only once in a lifetime.

I knew right away that I want to have that happiness in my eyes one day as much as I could see her happiness in her eyes. I hoped for it, I always believed in it and after all, even if sometimes I just gave up, I lived my little love story, the love story that I always dreamt of. The love story that I knew in my heart, somewhere, that I will be part of, but I will not live it somehow. That will not happen to me something so beautiful and sweet. But it happened after all, after all the day's that passed hopping that maybe someday someone will love ME, just ME, the way I am. Nothing more, nothing less, just ME, for who I am. And it happened. I had in my eyes that happiness. But from all this feelings I will tell you some other time because this is not the reason why I wrote today.

I'm writing today to celebrate with you ( even if I'm here and you are in Budapest) I'm there with heart and soul next to you, next to the most beautiful and greatest day of your life: your wedding! You two made my day today!!! Today I'm happy because you are being part of an important event. 9th of September is your day for ever. Wish you could just "see" all the feelings that I have for you, so you could see how happy I truly am just simply because of you, because you are happy, because you are living the time of your life. I wish you from all my heart to be and live happily ever after and never lose that happiness from your eyes. That happiness that only soul mates can have. You are an example that love matters, that if two people truly love each other they make it and love will win not matter what happens and what did the future plan for them. There are no words to describe what and how I feel right now, today. I just simply want to thank you that you are who you are and be “there”, part of it as well.

Thank you Rozi Balogh & Marton Jedlicska>:D<

The same, but different....

....funny thing, I always said that I will never be the one who will have some personal "on-line" things posted on a blog, but "Never say never..."

To many things are crossing my mind, to many things are happening just not to do anything about them! This...this is a new beginning, new "home", new life and new feelings in a beautiful restless soul that took a decision and thought that "Sharing is carrying" and why not. Here, everything is possible, can happen or is just the way it has to happen :) I just write...but you will be the one who will decide what is good or bad, beautiful or ugly, right or wrong!

So...just take some time,relax, chill, sit down and just listen to you heart when you don't know what to do, say, think... Your heart is the only "person" from your entire life that will always, always, no matter what, tell you the truth, will not lie to you! Never let you down! You just need to trust it!!!